I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Even my vagina gasped.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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