I'm so fucking centered right now
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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