just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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