The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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