I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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