Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I want a musical about memes.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
