I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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