I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
