apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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