ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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