Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
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