I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
