I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
