God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
