Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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