Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Sorry my hands just texted you
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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