Plan B is the new Plan A
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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