If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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