I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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