dude i'm inner monologue high
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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