i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
