Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
