i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just had sex on a roof
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
