my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee