I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
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YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
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Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy