U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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