you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
