Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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