Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
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Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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