This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
