I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
