I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
