so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
