he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
