when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
