Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
