i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
