My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
