I wannas sexs uuuuu
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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