Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
