sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
This baby is an asshole
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
