i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
