Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
