I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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