I'm gonna have a badass scar
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
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I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
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There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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