All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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