I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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