I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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