Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
