Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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