I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
