you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
