I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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