hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
21 Dirty Secrets From Bachelor/Bachelorette Parties That Have Destroyed Marriages
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Randomize
