Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Randomize
