White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Too much gin, very little bucket
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Randomize
